Category Archives: Food

Blankets, Grandma! Buy lots of blankets!

Because all you freeloading old people can forget about being fed and then you won’t have enough money for heat because fuel assistance is also being eliminated. 

So much win for everyone!

This person loves their PB&Js

Some people are sticklers for correct grammar. Some people are rock or classical music purists. And then some people don’t like you messing with their peanut butter and jelly.

I feel the same way about putting almond or soy milk on cereal.

Apple Jacks and Cocoa Krispies should be eaten the way nature intended: with whole milk. 

Don’t get me started on this issue. I could go on and on. As could many of us, the cereal like-minded

Snowstorm Stella stalks Northeast

With snow predictions wildly varying from less than a foot to more than two feet, the Northeast plays a waiting game as panicked food shopping yields the photo below.

Really, is there anything more New England prior to a snowstorm than a packed Market Basket in Chelsea (MA). And then there’s this one guy who really knows his storm shit with an armful of Hostess snack cakes.

If I had to choose one person with whom I’d like to ride out a civilization-ending snow event, I’m pretty sure it would be Little Debbie. 

“Funny you should ask about those, Aunt Martha”

Bring these to your next family gathering for a fun and delicious way of telling everyone you’re a gay man.

Froot Loops, indeed.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate it. I am thankful in this time of discord for all of you and your wonderfully funny smart minds. It makes the future seem more about hope than dread.

It you take one, I hope your trip home to your family is full of more love than stress.

If you are on the outs with your family, I hope can find a sense of belonging somewhere through a chosen family.

If you are volunteering for the holiday, I hope it gives you a sense of peace in this time of rancor.

If you are working, I hope you find some comfort and laughter in your colleagues who are there with you.

And if you have nothing to do at all, I hope you can find the peace of mind that not having to be anywhere can bring.

I will be spending my time binge-watching Hulu and Amazon Video and cuddling with my little stinker of a dog.

thanksgivingstuffing

 

Welcome to college

Ramen college nutrition jefferly.com

Booze at Taco Bell. What could possibly go wrong?

Wicker Park Taco Bell jefferly.com
This is the nicest Taco Bell I’ve ever seen – also known as damning with faint praise.

This has disaster written all over it.

Imagine mixing booze with customers whose main goal in life at the moment you encounter them is to “give me my god-damned Chalupa and a sir-vees-a!”

The 16-ounce frozen drinks, which can be spiked with your choice of Captain Morgan rum, Ketel One vodka, or Don Julio Tequila for between $6.19 and $7.19 an order, include appetizing names such a Mountain Dew Baja Blast, Catina Punch and Cantina Margarita.

Enjoy the drinks over new food menu items such as chili-cheese nachos, quesadilla triangles, “rolled tacos” and chicken tenders, which the [Chicago] Tribune called the best new item to eat there.

Taco Bell wants you to know that this is as far from your average road trip rest stop as you can get—the restaurant interior features exposed brick and the place has even been branded with a more “upscale” name: Taco Bell Cantina.

Help up Wicker Park’s douche vortex quotient by heading to the grand opening Sept. 22—we’ll be there to try the drinks so you don’t have to.

I worked in high school at an eat-in and drive-thru Taco Bell which stayed open until 3am — bars closed at 2am — and that last hour was the most entertaining and sometimes scary shit show you could possibly imagine. I hope to never have another conversation in my life with angry drunk people with bits of cheese hanging off their mouths as they scream at another customer for bumping into them accidentally.

And that Taco Bell did not serve alcohol. 

Every employee who works there should get an automatic raise.

Although I might go there on Valentines Day evening just to point and laugh at the poor souls whose dates take them there.

“Hey, there’s cheap booze AND it’s two-for-one Gordita night!”

Source: Here’s What’s On The Menu At Taco Bell’s Boozy New Location: Chicagoist

Catch-all overpriced hip and trendy restaurant menu

hip and trendy

C’mon, you know it’s true of every hip and trendy restaurant that you’ve visited.

You say you want tiny main course portions on a giant white plate, drizzled back and forth over the top with a tiny sliver of some sauce containing things — a bison fat reduction with hints of garlic and dandelion? — which nobody has ever paired before EVER?

This catch-all hip and trendy menu has you covered.

Step back and let the people who know what they are doing walk by you — the people who overpay for food and like it.

top-10-restaurants-from-melbourne-s-hipster-food-s-04 (1)

 

All I wanted was a simple corn muffin

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When I go to have a corn muffin, I don’t want to get a salad wrapped in bread.

Though shalt not mix delicious, moist corn muffins with inappropriately ginormous vegetable pieces. It is an abomination,

-Leviticus

 

Meat: it’s what’s for dinner.

The whole thing seems almost unimaginable until you realize history is replete with examples of people in dire circumstances engaging in this exact thing.

Cannibalism. Could you? Would you? I guess none of us would really know until we were faced with it:

An ill-fated 19th-century expedition that became trapped in the Canadian Arctic ended in a particularly gruesome type of cannibalism, new research suggests.

The gory end was faced by the British navy on the Franklin expedition, the doomed 1845 voyage to discover a sea route through the Canadian Arctic to the Orient.

Though scientists had long known that the shipmen likely resorted to cannibalism to survive, the new study reveals the true extremes the crew went to. Not only did the starving explorers cut flesh off the bones of their fallen comrades, they also cracked open the bones to suck out the marrow.

Eeew, eeew, eeew.

The tough question is what if you were on some sort of expedition in the Arctic and a sudden blizzard stranded you with no food, few supplies and a few sick individuals who aren’t dead but equally close to it. The survivors have to eat something or everyone will die. How do you choose who goes first? How might you draw up such a list?

TEAM MEMBERS WHO DIE FIRST (SECOND DRAFT)

  1. Bob: continually hums I Want To Be Like Kanye.
  2. Amber: proselytizing Wiccan. Keeps asking to read people’s auras.
  3. Jim: overly didactic libertarian. Won’t shut up about Rand Paul.

Hmmm. Might be an easier decision than I thought.

Source: Cracked Bones Reveal Cannibalism by Doomed Arctic Explorers : Discovery News

cannibalism in the Arctic.
This sonar image shows the skeleton of HMS Erebus, lost in the Canadian Arctic. Photo: Parks Canada.