All posts by Jeff Epperly

Welcome to Wisconsin!

You can exercise with anything you find around the house, garage — even the television news studio. ANYTHING! As these good ole boys will show you.

Now and then the local morning news programs have a producer who books a segment with local citizens who prove to be unintentionally charming and amusing.

Now get off that couch and break out those cinder blocks and beer kegs and get yo ass movin’!

I love this so much. I really do.

Wait for the tennis racquets, which made me think these guys might have been putting everyone on.

The first movie that ever scared the crap out of me

Alfred Hitchcock

Alfred Hitchcock’s classic “The Birds” was released on this date in 1963 — for children of the era starting many love affairs with horror movies.

I was three years old and it scared the bejeezus out of me. I recall never looking at flocks of birds the same way for a very long time.

It’s held up remarkably well over the years, gaining a 7.7 rating on IMDB and a 96% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Of course, those are the scores of movie lovers who can still appreciate what a work of art it was for the genre at that time.

If you are used to blood and gore in scary movies, it might not do much for you. General horror audiences are a bit more demanding today than a movie in which the blood is mostly measured in droplets.

For me, watching it again is worth it if for nothing else to see how Alfred Hitchcock dressed Tippi Hedren. What a dish she was.

Note also the hints of a nascent environmentalist movement, largely unheard of at the time, in the dialogue. 

Crazy that we have not progressed as far was one might expect on that issue and, in fact, are now going backwards thanks to the current resident of the White House.

Trailer below.

Waiting for April the giraffe

And waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

Gilbert Gottfried reads “50 Shades of Grey”

This is not new. But man, oh man, how did I miss this? Crazy!

He’s perfect for this reading and the looks on the women’s faces in this bit are perfect.

I forget which comic it was who said he’d like to have Gottfried’s voice on the turn directions on his GPS.

So would I.

Ariana Gandhi

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. Also when you bust that ho Britney’s ass in a Twitter war.”

I have finally accepted the truth

Other doggy parents will feel joy I will never experience.

It is inescapable now. Otto the rescue pitbull does not like bacon.

I was making breakfast for dinner tonight, and fried up some bacon. When it was done I took a piece out to let it cool on a paper towel. 

I gave it to Otto and he, as he always does with any particularly messy food, carried it into the living room to eat on the new rug. I thought nothing of it.

Then I walked into the living room a few minutes later and there it was. Sitting there, untouched on the carpet. Mocking me.

The uneaten bacon.

I tried everything. I desperately offered it to him again as he was sleeping on the sofa. He turned up his nose then looked away.

I pulled out the big guns. I acted like I was eating it, making “nom, nom, nom” sounds and saying “Mmmm, DELICIOUS!” like I do right before he rejects yet another expensive  doggy treat and then eats some poop.

Nothing. He just looked at me, yawned and then licked his rope toy.

A rope toy? Over bacon?

You turn it over in your mind. Where did I go wrong?

There were signs I ignored. He would not take bacon-flavored treats. He did not like Pupperoni.

I should have known. But I was in denial.

Where did I go wrong? Did I love him too much? Did I love him not enough?

What will the other parents at the dog park say?

“His dog does not like bacon. Also he doesn’t use biodegradable waste disposal bags.”

The words ring in my ears.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I will post a vague reference on Facebook to something being wrong and hope nobody takes that extra step of asking, “What happened? Are you OK?”

The world seems off-kilter right now.

This explains a lot

Trump tweeted a pic from his latest physical.  ECHO!! (Echo, echo, echo, echo)

The joys of a writing life 

Kafka was a real ray of sunshine, especially with writer’s block.  This is what it’s like. 

Blankets, Grandma! Buy lots of blankets!

Because all you freeloading old people can forget about being fed and then you won’t have enough money for heat because fuel assistance is also being eliminated. 

So much win for everyone!

This person loves their PB&Js

Some people are sticklers for correct grammar. Some people are rock or classical music purists. And then some people don’t like you messing with their peanut butter and jelly.

I feel the same way about putting almond or soy milk on cereal.

Apple Jacks and Cocoa Krispies should be eaten the way nature intended: with whole milk. 

Don’t get me started on this issue. I could go on and on. As could many of us, the cereal like-minded